I’ve been on a deep detox cleanse for over 3 weeks, and haven’t eaten for 4 days so feeling super sensitive and fragile. Last night I was in bed with my amazing man, and we enjoyed a deep rich conversation about our life, our home, our children and ways we can support each other which felt so nourishing. Life gets so full with homeschooling 5 kids, renovating and working from home that it can seem we’re like passing ships at times. I shared some shifts I’ve been having related to his children (my stepchildren) as I find them quite challenging, and it was wonderful to be heard and understood in this. I felt really connected in a deep heartspace with him, as this had been feeling like such a burden for me to carry and simply sharing my truth and insights really lifted the load.
Even though I was tired, we moved into a sensual, indulgent space together. It felt really delicious as he caressed my body, and I began touching him too. He started to get turned on really fast and shifted gears into a more lusty, desire-filled state. I wasn’t there yet, and wanted to take things more slow and gentle, but I didn’t speak up and instead felt a gap widening between where I was and where he was.
At this point it’s worth mentioning that we often have delicious, indulgent, tantric bliss together, and enjoy lots of different flavours of sensuality which is deeply satisfying, erotic and sometimes pure primal, lusty pleasure together and I love the variety. And most of the time he’s beautifully present to me. But last night we were both tired, and I didn’t speak up about what I was needing, or preferring.
So I felt part of myself take a back seat in the sexual journey while he was going deeper into pleasure while I was touching him. Eventually I spoke up that I wanted things to slow down, and felt a huge wave of emotion flow through me for all the times in my past when I haven’t spoken up, yet gone along with something even if I wasn’t fully ‘there’.
Then I tuned into the deeper significance of this as a collective, and the thousands of years of women’s sexuality and voices being suppressed. I felt such a deep aching pain in my heart which felt like it went all the way through my chest, and into the bed under me. Staying with it and feeling into this collective wound I plunged into a deep heart wrenching cry, for myself, for all my sisters, for all time, my body started heaving and caving in on itself, into this pain which felt so massive and I cried and cried and howled the pain through tears for all the sisters who haven’t spoken up, who haven’t asked for what they want, and who have experienced the pain of sexual suppression and self abandonment.
I cried until there were no more tears. Just deep, heaving breaths of relief and sweetness that filled me with bliss. And a renewed commitment to always speak up, stay connected with myself and honour that. And commit more deeply to my path of supporting other women (especially mothers) to reconnect with their voice and sexuality as a gateway to our loving power and full self expression.