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I had a messy moment a while ago. It had been brewing for days. Little things were starting to irritate me and I was getting impatient with the kids. I was feeling frustrated about putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own and was due to bleed any day, so those dark moon hormones swirling within me added to the intensity. When my man, Brett, approached me with affection I just wanted to pull away and avoid intimacy. That night I flopped into bed and crashed out, exhausted. In the morning Brett reached over to cuddle me. I wanted him to leave me alone so I could get up and start the day. There was so much to do! I was already feeling stressed and annoyed. Brett looked at me with loving concern and said “You haven’t been in your body much lately.” Those words touched my heart and I melted into tears.
The floodgates opened and all the ‘little things’ I’d been holding onto for a few days came pouring out. An old pattern of putting my needs aside because the children were needing me yet again brought up old issues of not honouring myself. Our baby, Zenon Darnesh, had been going through a few grizzly days in the heat, had been needing more attention than usual which compounded my sense of frustration as my to-do list was getting longer rather than shorter. I’d wanted to have this newsletter written and ready to go for the New Moon which was almost a week ago.
The hardest thing to share was my self-judgment about it all. Being stuck in my head, wanting things to be different to how they were, I’d been disconnected from my body and was feeling unattractive and spiky. This brought up insecurities about our relationship, and a belief that I wasn’t good enough. This led to all sorts of fears I shared with him that came bubbling up in that moment but weren’t even true. I’d been feeling disconnected from my sexuality, which led to a worry that he would seek fulfillment elsewhere. I worried that I wasn’t enough of a woman to satisfy him, that I was somehow flawed and he deserved someone better than me, someone flowing and beautiful, not someone cranky and disconnected. Throughout my sharing, he sat and listened with an open heart, I could see compassion and love in his eyes.
It was not easy to share these things with him, part of me was squirming inside. It took great courage to have the vulnerability to share these weaknesses. I have learned the freedom of being totally transparent in our relating and speaking it all, especially when it’s uncomfortable. Then things are brought out into the light and seen for what they are, rather than lurking beneath the surface.
When seen like this, illusions fall away and the truth is revealed. Often it’s about my own limiting beliefs or fears, and seeing them gives me the choice to become free of them. Being afraid to speak these things just gives them power and they become shadows, unconsciously driving my behaviour, and worse, they actually start unfolding around me. Shared openly in a loving space, or journaling freely, the things that are not true just dissolve away and I reconnect with that part of myself needing to be seen, heard and loved, setting myself free from my own inner judgment.
What a relief! By sharing and letting go of all these overwhelming thoughts and letting my healing tears flow, I released the tension I’d been holding onto. My ‘pmt’ dissolved. Then an amazing thing happened. I felt a warmth flow through me, and a deep love and attraction for my man who listened and loved me through it all. My sensual energy became unblocked, and started moving through me and I felt beautiful and sexy again. Oh my god, it felt amazing!
One moment I was stressed and complaining about all the stuff in my head, then next moment I was flowing with sensuality, free in my feminine flow, beautiful and attractive. A total turnaround. I became the radiant goddess that had seemed so far out of reach just moments earlier, and with it the confidence to trust in our union and know that I am an amazing woman and abundantly beautiful in my own unique way!
And with it a realization. How important it is for us to be in our body, to feel our feminine energy flowing through us. That we are all beautiful, sensual, loving beings underneath all the layers of beliefs and judgments, and most of us have difficulty accessing that part of ourselves in daily life. We’ve been conditioned with limiting beliefs about the female body and it’s potential, added to the life experiences that have removed us further from our beautiful, innocent essence. From conservative suppression to sexual objectification of women’s bodies, these cultural messages keep us from experiencing our true nature.
When we access that feminine power within us, this love overflows into other parts of our life & our work and enriches our connections with others too, including our children, partners, family, friends and wider community.
If you would like to access more of your feminine power, you can see more about my free Womb Activation Session HERE.